New Year New Me bullshit

Heyo!

This post is something I’ve been writing since probably this summer. It’s very personal piece about mental health and stuff.
I’ve also been dreading if I even should make the post public or not, but here goes.

Most of you already know that I suffer from depression, panic attacks, anxiety and PTSD like flashbacks. I’ve learned that I’ve had undiagnosed and untreated depression for about 13 years. Most of the time I adapt well to situations which is why it’s been undiagnosed, or at least so I’ve told. I come from a family of alcoholic parents and thing that set this all of was 13 years ago when my dad commited a suicide. It hit me harder than I thought and not getting help at that young age I’m now having them feelings hit a bit harder.
Last year, for the first time, I admitted to myself that I needed help and I seeked help from a therapist when my workstress started getting out of hand. I’d be crying every Sunday and mostly after workdays as well, I would be highly iritable and overall not so pleasant company. That’s over a year ago now. My work situation didn’t improve so I made a difficult choice to put my health first and left the place.

This year has been one of my roughest years. I am so greatful to have such amazing husband who stands by me with better and the worse, well lately it’s been a lot on the worse side. Somedays he spends most of his freetime comforting me because I’m crying for whatever reason. Damn brain chemicals.
Most days are ok and I can get by, but then there are days when tiniest thing/feeling/word/picture can set the snowball rolling. On those days I usually spend my days crying or space out and just generally trying to keep myself together. Then there are days that I just want to be left alone, or I just want to hide in a corner playing games to keep my brain busy. Then I have good days when I actually feel like I can do everything. But most of the time I just want to be wrapped in warm things and hugged to get through the day.
My overall health has been acting up as well which doesn’t help at all during the “not so great”-days.
I’m sad that I’ve had to stop watching some TV Shows for them being too “real” and hence giving me panic attack or just lifting the anxiety levels.
Last month I did one of the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my life. I asked a family member to stop contacting me because every time they would contact me, I would spend rest of the day crying or in just high levels of anxiety. Their guilt tripping for me was really making me feel horrible and I needed to cut it for the time being. Until I feel better or can handle situations better.

But there has been something amazing in this year as well. I started streaming last August. I’ve made new friends, learned things of myself and streaming actually helps me keep a schedule and on most days it helps to keep the brain busy! I’ve wanted to stream since I was a teenager, and I’m still amazed that people actually come and join me and listen my silly ramblings! I love playing games and share my first gameplays with my people!

I don’t really know why I even decided to finish writing this. Maybe just getting it out of my system finally. Or maybe because I’ve had to cancel some of the streams lately to have mental health days so people know or I dunno, just to have it out.

If you did manage to read this far, thank you and sorry about the typos <3 I love you guys much! And if I feel distant on some days it’s not because of you, I’m probably just distracted! <3
For the 2018, I do try to write a lot more about games and some happier things 🙂

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2 Comments

  1. I’m glad you wrote this. Sometimes it’s better to get it all out in word form. Sending much love to you, and I hope that this year can be full of healing and calm for you.

    • Thank you for reading! Yeah, sometimes it’s good to just let things out I guess 🙂 I hope this year is better and step in right direction! 🙂

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